I wish i didnt care...
Lord do i wish it was possible, to go through life without caring abt others, to just be self centered and egotistical, it truely would be a gift...
yeah i'm in one of those moods... so heads up
So i sit here knowing without a doubt that i will never actually be happy... maybe content or ok for a few days but to actually be happy?? No its not written for me, i dont know if i want to keep looking for it cause i just end up flat on my ass again either bruised or broken. Thats actually not so bad but whats got to the point of tears (not crying cause that would be a hell of a lot easier, but just when u cannot stop the tears falling) no one really cares or appreciates me, and its not a pity thing, i know i deserve a hell of a lot more, but i wont find anyone who does. By words by action by emotion... i'm never going to find that person and that on its own makes me feel so incredibly lonely that my throat constricts and i know thats it for me. This is as good as its gonna get for me...
i dont want to care...
i dont want to need people to care either...
and still its those very ppl who will hurt u and then say its for ur own good, i know whats in store for me so i want to be able to do everything i can while i can. still ppl act like they know better abt u then urself, no one ever actually asks anymore they just assume. Whats worse is sometimes u'll try to reach out to them ask them to understand u to be able to be urself around them. only thing u get is people stepping back from u because, low and behold, they're protecting u from u. people cage u in by expectations by standards by unwritten rules, people who are supposed to be there for u unconditionally.
I dont want to be sad, unhappy, confused or lost and the only way i can do that is to be alone
is it so bad to just care for me a little, just a little...
Random notes from my phone
5 hours ago
4 comments:
My lovely Ash, it makes me so upset to hear you this sad! I understand what you're saying and I won't trouble you with the cliched "ah stop being s sad, people DO care about you, you just don't see it" etc etc.
You say you'll never meet them, I say never say never, hope is last to die, to the point of blind stubborness.
It may not be much but I want you to know that to me you are a true inspiration. Though you're right, I may just be assuming without truly knowing, and I don't pretend to be anything otherwise. But the way I see you... you're what I aspire to be. I told you this before, I envy you.
Society sucks, it's a long-known concept. But you do meet people that just... let you be you and nothing else. They hold no judgement, just curiosity to know the real you and push you to the boundaries of outrageous. It does happen. So don't resign yourself. Allow yourself time to grieve, by all means, but never stop looking. ^_^
I feel the same. It's like you keep giving others your all but no one bothers to give you a fraction of what you need. Almost no one does anything for anyone anymore, and those who do aren't usually people I'm friends with.
One learns to live without expecting anything from others. I, however, cannot live that way but I guess we're forced to or else people will keep letting us down.
I'm sorry for what you're going through, and I honestly thought that my friends would be lucky enough to feel as I feel. You can imagine my shock while reading your post. I feel so bad for you because I know how it feels :S
*hugs*
Hi Ash: I like ur blog. I find when u write about ur inner feelings most interesting and appealing. Hope all is well.
It's like ur reading my mind!
*hug*
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