Pain...

I wish i didnt care...

Lord do i wish it was possible, to go through life without caring abt others, to just be self centered and egotistical, it truely would be a gift...

yeah i'm in one of those moods... so heads up

So i sit here knowing without a doubt that i will never actually be happy... maybe content or ok for a few days but to actually be happy?? No its not written for me, i dont know if i want to keep looking for it cause i just end up flat on my ass again either bruised or broken. Thats actually not so bad but whats got to the point of tears (not crying cause that would be a hell of a lot easier, but just when u cannot stop the tears falling) no one really cares or appreciates me, and its not a pity thing, i know i deserve a hell of a lot more, but i wont find anyone who does. By words by action by emotion... i'm never going to find that person and that on its own makes me feel so incredibly lonely that my throat constricts and i know thats it for me. This is as good as its gonna get for me...

i dont want to care...
i dont want to need people to care either...

and still its those very ppl who will hurt u and then say its for ur own good, i know whats in store for me so i want to be able to do everything i can while i can. still ppl act like they know better abt u then urself, no one ever actually asks anymore they just assume. Whats worse is sometimes u'll try to reach out to them ask them to understand u to be able to be urself around them. only thing u get is people stepping back from u because, low and behold, they're protecting u from u. people cage u in by expectations by standards by unwritten rules, people who are supposed to be there for u unconditionally.

I dont want to be sad, unhappy, confused or lost and the only way i can do that is to be alone

is it so bad to just care for me a little, just a little...