I Mourn myself. . .

There's a darkness that's swallowing me, I sit and I cry and I'm lost and feel unloved and no ones to blame but myself. I allowed myself to die, and I tried to ignore it for so long, sometimes it catches up that black mood, but it goes, fades and I move on. Heart breaking sobs escape me, my body shudders and my precious tears run capriciously down my cheek my throat between my breasts. I've done my best to deal with life, love, living and I ended up dead, so I sit here and cry cause I killed her, I killed my innocence...

I miss that light in me, that blindness to all things dark, I miss the simplicity I felt, that unwavering sense of black and white. What have I done, she's gone and I can't bring her back, I want her back and I don't think I can, I've seen too much. So I sit in a corner and mourn myself, with no one knowing, wishing I had what I always wanted, strength, not simply my own but another's, a person willing to take my pain because I was worth it, willing to let me go weak even a little cause that strength is enough for both of us. I crave that intimacy, desperately, of allowing someone to see me cry to see me weak, to hold me while I see myself dead and cry...

But I'm still alone, so I go and wash my face, put my shield back in place before I face the world again, and wonder if the world will hate me when they know that I replaced her...

Lucifer

For the past week, this teeny little image keeps popping into my head, a mini red devil yes fork and tail included that's gone freaking psycho inside my head. I have dubbed him Lucifer but I call him Lucy, and I've noticed that Lucy is ecstatic of late, which has me worried, it can mean only one thing, that I may subconsciously be up to something. Oh by the way anyone who has Mochness on their msn would have met her demented freaky kid as an icon... Lucy has the same grin, it's freaky.

Meh...

Refreshing little thought, it's always nice to be pleasantly surprised, you know to find someone who's not just intelligent as in packed with info, but actually quick, smart, all in all entertaining. Oh and change is a son of a bitch...

Ugh there too many things going on in my head to write about but the one the stands out the most is uncontrollable urge to do something anything, one of those now or never feelings. Hate it cause I'm an impatient sort anyway, so u can imagine how fidgety I am at the moment.